Tuesday, September 28, 2010

i am creepy; grass is green

I love love. I love being in love. I don't care what it does to me. Just kidding, those are lyrics by The Format. I've never been in love and that's probably because I'm really creepy.

I don't know if I'm creepier than the average loser but I am at least on par with her.  This one time, I found a kid from my class on facebook, looked through all his tagged photos, somehow came across his (unlisted) blog and read it from start to finish (to my credit it wasn't very long; he seemed something of a quitter).  I figured out his favorite band and, after determining precisely the right moment, weeks later, referred to them casually in conversation. I wasn't actually talking to him (NEVER), but to some girl who I used in my ploy to win this boy's heart. After naming the band a little too loudly, the boy's ears perked up and we exchanged a few glorious snippets of dialogue. A few days later, he told me I had 'rockstar hair.'  I almost pissed myself.
i imagine this is what our interaction looked like to outsiders
That was as much as we ever spoke.  He's 3 years younger than me, a few inches shorter than me and, let's be real, not cute enough for how hard I tried. Oh yeah, and his favorite band at the time was Fall Out Boy.

I can't help it.  The internet lends itself to full on sketch-fests.  All that information just waiting to be internalized.. memorized.. rehearsed.. brought out at just the right moment.. around just the right eligible bachelor:

been dying to see that
new movie? I had NO IDEA you were at the midnight screening, too!!  
got a favorite song? What's that about my ringtone? You like this song too? No way!
you posted your class schedule online? Why, yes, I did just transfer into your Film I class even though I'm majoring in political science!
you don't have a facebook?
That's okay, I'll find you.

Don't tell me you don't do it, too, because you're lying (...or have a life).  It's not like I hide in the bushes outside some guy's house, sit with binoculars and look through the windows. He'll never see me if I do that; I sit in a cafe across from his building at the same time every day.  Just kidding, I don't really do that (yet), but maybe I go to the same events he 'attends' (thanks Facebook).  How do I know the host of this housewarming party that's actually 50 miles out of the way from my apartment? and I don't drive?? Um... friend of a friend.. where's the vodka?

I probably sound worse than I actually am; it's not like I'm creating shrines or hurting anyone.
I admire Helga's dedication
Facebook is amazing, but I was obsessive well before the internet was cited as a stalker enabling tool.  In the 6th grade I had this huge crush on the only marginally attractive boy in my grade, Jose. He was nice to me because, like all my fellow classmates, he wanted to copy my homework.  I remained single and unpopular because I never let him, or anyone, take credit for my work (also because I was awkward and hideous). Thankfully, no one teased me because my mom is Puerto Rican fierce with a side of whoopass and those little bastards knew it.

Anyway, I have pages in my old diaries where I practiced my future surname (his). I volunteered to stay after school and help clean up the classroom whenever he had detention, on the off chance I'd sneak a glance at him (always), or that he would speak to me (never).  I also really liked sponging down the blackboard.  My favorite method of attack, though, was snapping photos of my fellow classmates just so I had an excuse to own photos of Jose (always lurking somewhere in the background since I could never work up the nerve to take one of just him). Things didn't work out between us.
Once myspace and, later, facebook were popularized, I had no need for my little picture trick anymore. But after so many years and even more photos, that creepy habit diverged into a true passion for photography, which I've actually kept up. It's like when inmates learn a new language in prison - a good thing can sometimes blossom from illegal activity.

4 comments:

  1. god, i feel like i've done creepier things

    this is a genius post though.

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  2. and i love that you posted a picture from Hey Arnold! hahahaha so goood.

    also... all the hey arnold eps are on netflix instant watch.

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  3. creepiness AND jonas brothers? i can relate to this post so much

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  4. Oh this is just great. This post, this blog, the ace selection of photos to accompany the posts. I love you.

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