Friday, December 31, 2010

let's have a toast for the douchebags

Good riddance 2010!

here's to all the resolutions I didn't follow through on, all the boys I never kissed and all the chances I didn't take!

Yes I'm posting this photo everywhere. Validate me, internet
Tonight I'm going to wear a shirt made entirely of sequins (see above), drink until I can't feel things and probably cry off my false lashes and foundation into the depths of Mordor or Azkaban. Probably Azkaban.

Let 2011 be filled with karaoke, more blog comments and less chocolate because I don't want diabetes.

according to Britney Spears living in sin is the new thing, and she's a reliable source of advice so I say take it and run like the wind. all the colors of the wind. do Pocahontas proud. Pocahontas is difficult to spell, thank you baby Jesus for spell check

I'm going to regret this post in the morning but aren't we all

Happy 2011 I love you all!

Friday, December 17, 2010

this could be a sweet dream, or a beautiful nightmare

Can this be true? Tell me, can this be real? How can I put into words what I feel? Well, I can't, which is why I needed to start this post off with Nsync lyrics.

In case you've been living in an underground sewer fending off herds of mole people over the past week or so, it appears celebrities everywhere have traded in their Fiji water bottles for Break Up Before the Holidays water...bottles.... I don't think that made much sense, but I haven't been in school in 7 months cut me some slack.

It's not even the obvious couples like Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift (I mean really... what the fuck is that pairing). It's mostly couples I don't care about like Ryan Reynolds and Scarjo or David Thewlis and Anna Friel (not that I dislike them; I just always forget they were ever together in the first place aka zzzzzz).

but then something terrifying/magical happened: Hollywood's Latest Golden Couple (move over Brangelina... or actually don't since they're done I guess) called it quits. That's right ladies and other ladies reading this, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens said Bye Bye Bye to their 4 year relationship.

the fence in this photo signifies the emotional barrier that is probably what ultimately destroyed their relationship
It's one of those things that makes my inner 15 year old explode with optimism and hope, tears of joy brimming over a cup of never ending happiness. I'm finally free to imagine myself wooing Zac Efron and eventually producing children with him who possess all of his features and none of my own, creating the most stunning celebrity offspring known to man since Liv Tyler and Suri Cruise, where we would all exist in a Utopian Society - free from corruption, humidity and Bruno Mars. Unicorn tears would turn into gumdrops and caramels; the unicorns would always be crying from overwhelming joy and love. They would be that happy. because Zac will have resurrected them from past lives, but not in a creepy Harry-Potter-Resurrection-Stone way that would leave a thin veil of unhappiness between us and the unicorns forever. No, it would be pure and snowing, but not cold. also Zac and I would have lots of sex. Everything would just be so kick ass is what I'm saying.

but then my shame starts to seep in and I realize that Zac and Vanessa are actually people beyond their celeb status and they're probably pretty torn up about the break up, at least a little, and while I'd settle for being Zac's rebound girl (I've seriously thought this all through), it is kind of sad to see Zanessa Gone.

this is probably all Justin Timberlake's fault
The thought of Zac Efron with another girl who isn't me is unfathomable at this point because he's never been linked to anyone else in the 4 years he's been famous. I actually find the two of them to be a cute couple and the fact that they lasted so long without any scandal or separation really allowed me to believe that true love does exist (in Hollywood). I got used to them and was looking forward to either their potentially stunning or horrifyingly hideous children (who could know the outcome). but now that hope is lost.

Once my initial shock wore off, and my delusions of unicorn utopias faded into the recesses of my troubled mind, the panic started to sink in. I remembered how my plan was to get famous (somehow; plenty of people without talent are doing it, why not me) by the time they broke up and then swoop in with tissues and hair extensions, descending upon Zac Efron like a ravenous vulture. I thought I'd have a few more years before they ended things, but of course not, the universe is out to get me and make sure I never get my goddamn well deserved Disney Prince.

the photo proves he is every bit as heroic and charming as the media wants me to believe
Shortly after reality sunk in and I started to worry myself with my really creepy fantasies, curiosity got the better of me. What the fuck happened!? Who broke up with who? Was it really mutual? If I were Vanessa Hudgens I would throw all dignity out the window and cling to Zac Efron the way Madonna clings to her faded youth.  I mean, odds are pretty likely Vanessa Hudgens will never date someone as stunningly beautiful and flawless as Zac Efron ever again, unless she travels backwards in time and manages to bag Titanic-Era Leonardo DiCaprio (aka pre-bloat). and let's be real, Zac Efron will never date someone with hair as good as Vanessa's (unless he dates me).  It's a cruel world we live in where two gorgeous, seemingly nice human beings can't make it in a relationship in Hollywood. Maybe Zac wants to date someone whose level of talent matches his own. Maybe Vanessa wants to date someone.... else. The world may never know (though it probably will because the internet eventually exposes all).

I have to admit I'm impressed with how well they're publicly handling the break-up. Confirmation of the rumor, and that's it. It's probably because their love is so pure and all that shit. The timing just wasn't right; the relationship ran its course; Zac Efron realized I'm here waiting, etc.

I know there are plenty of people out there judging me for thinking these thoughts because it's like who cares! celebrities are just people! I'm so cool and unaffected! I don't even own a television what's the internet!! but whatever I am the first person to admit I am not above celebrity gossip (have you read my blog?). and I will never be above Zefron related gossip, news, movies or music.

because dammit Zac Efron, God really did spend a little more time on you.

Friday, December 10, 2010

pour some sugar on me (the real kind though)

I fucking love chocolate.

Whenever I get the sense that real feelings are bubbling just beneath the surface of my tear-ducts or fingernails, dangerously near eruption, I eat a piece of dark chocolate. It's the only thing that makes the pain go away for a little while. I eventually get more upset and consume the entire King Size bar through raging tears, but for 30 minutes or so, things are okay. Unlike successful dieters, I am not the type of person who can stop at "just a bite." I think this is a crazy and bullshit thing to tell people for the most part, because a forkful of chocolate cake isn't going to satisfy my sweet tooth; it's going to make me crave more cake. and I'm usually going to eat the cake because I have no sense of shame or impulse control.

pictured: impulse control
When I was about 10 years old, I would dream of a magical cheesecake which, the more you ate of it, the more weight you would lose. It was ten pounds per piece (I was a very lazy child. ha ha was...). It consumed my thoughts daily for a good few months. I'm surprised they haven't concocted something like it by now. Giant metal boxes can fly through the sky running solely on jet fuel/magic, but we have yet to develop an enchanted cheesecake that helps you lose weight?? What century are we in, again? Do I need to bake the tapeworms in there myself?

I also used to fantasize about a remote control that would let me go back in time, forward in time, pause things, etc. To my dismay, it never materialized and I was forced to face my mistakes and problems.

this might be why I hate Adam Sandler so much
At this time my dad used to bring cheesecakes home every few weeks from Veniero's bakery before they started sucking (he then switched to De Roberti's and eventually to no treats ever). I blame my sweet tooth on him. You may remember a photo I posted a few blog posts ago:

pictured: the problem and solution to all of life's problems
When I first saw this episode of the Simpsons, I wondered when they'd decided to use my dad as inspiration for Homer Simpson's character. but back to sugar and spice and liquor and lard aka everything that fills those giant voids.

I don't only eat or drink this stuff when I'm feeling bad, don't get me wrong. I mean, I love sweets because they taste good and sometimes you just want to throw a party for your taste buds. but when I say I love sweets, I don't mean "Yes, occasionally I enjoy half a square of Ghirardelli Peppermint Bark and a glass of Chianti Classico" NO I mean, "Give me that giant cookie from Uno's with ice cream and whipped cream on top and 4 shots of well-Tequila." (When did I start talking about liquor?) Whenever someone says, "Ugh this is way too sweet" or "Aghhh this drink is way too strong!!" I stare at them in disbelief and amazement: my mouth partially open, chocolate sauce and alcohol dribbling down the sides. How can anything be too sweet?? Can puppies be too sweet? No, they cannot. People can be, I mean no one is nice all the time without some ulterior motive. I can't trust people, but surely I can trust ice cream. How can anything that makes me feel good immediately and terrible later be too sweet or too alcoholic?? Answer: it can't.

pictured: me in 5 minutes
Who needs vegetables and fruit when I have sugar and lard and alcohol that I just started writing about for some reason but is totally appropriate anyway? This is America dammit. Bottoms up, losers.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

An Open Letter to Jesse McCartney

Jesse McCartney, why do you do this to me? Why do you make it so difficult to publicly defend you and proclaim my unwavering love for all that you do? Would you guys like to see my plays? because I don't care here they are:


Do you see that? Number 7 Top Artist of all time!! of all time! Not Taylor Swift, not Beyonce. Jesse McCartney. and I only have two of his albums on my computer because I deleted one of them by mistake.

Dream Street was so two thousand and late for me, but I remember when "Beautiful Soul" first came out. It was one of those songs I openly hated but secretly loved and recorded off the radio with my cassette player, just like everything the All American Rejects did. God, I miss the early 2000's. The battle of the boy bands (if you prefer BSB over Nsync you are dead to me), popstars were truly at their finest then because they were all trying to be Michael Jackson. It was a beautiful time.

you just know Justin was shitting all over himself at this point
Remember Summerland? Me neither.

Just kidding, i remember it. I remember thinking Jesse was going to be eternally hot and that other kid was going to be some gap-toothed reject for all of his life.

I'd rather be rejected by Zac Efron than pursued by Jesse McCartney's pit stains
By 2004, when Jesse's solo career was exploding, I was hiding behind my Nirvana albums, pretending like his whiny little ferret voice didn't sing the songs of my soul. Okay his vocals are not ferret-like, but his voice is pretty high pitched. I like it, though. I love it. I love him. I would hit it in a heartbeat even though I'm really not sexually attracted to him. I feel like we are soul mates because he's into beautiful souls, and mine is truly magnificent. He believes the beauty on the inside transcends the beauty on the outside, and I need a man like that in my life. So thoughtful, so caring. He would grow old with me and hold my hand and not look at me but look past me, beyond me and really see me. I, in part, have taken on his philosophy. I love Jesse for the beauty within.

the beauty within...
I have defended him through so much because he's actually talented (i'm serious). His Leonardo DiCaprio-like bloating, his indie-flick, Keith (WHICH IS ACTUALLY GOOD), even the time he forgot the words to the National Anthem. but then he goes and makes this stupid ass video for his latest single, "Shake," (which is a masterpiece removed from the offensive video) and disappoints me. That is some low budget shit right there. I've seen better student films come out of Emerson College (go..lions...right?). The song will, no doubt, be a hit because he's obviously good at writing them (hello Leavin.. Body Language... everything else ever in his back catalog), but the video.. stop. I would've liked it better if Jesse were one of the video vixens. God. what is wrong with music videos today? why can't we go back 10 years? Why am I so obsessed with Zac Efron??

You're not invincible yet, Jesse. A living legend? Yes. Of course. No question. but the world isn't ready for shadowed ladies to throw their panties at you. Not now. Not ever. Take it down a notch. Why am I still writing this post