Tuesday, December 7, 2010

An Open Letter to Jesse McCartney

Jesse McCartney, why do you do this to me? Why do you make it so difficult to publicly defend you and proclaim my unwavering love for all that you do? Would you guys like to see my last.fm plays? because I don't care here they are:


Do you see that? Number 7 Top Artist of all time!! of all time! Not Taylor Swift, not Beyonce. Jesse McCartney. and I only have two of his albums on my computer because I deleted one of them by mistake.

Dream Street was so two thousand and late for me, but I remember when "Beautiful Soul" first came out. It was one of those songs I openly hated but secretly loved and recorded off the radio with my cassette player, just like everything the All American Rejects did. God, I miss the early 2000's. The battle of the boy bands (if you prefer BSB over Nsync you are dead to me), popstars were truly at their finest then because they were all trying to be Michael Jackson. It was a beautiful time.

you just know Justin was shitting all over himself at this point
Remember Summerland? Me neither.

Just kidding, i remember it. I remember thinking Jesse was going to be eternally hot and that other kid was going to be some gap-toothed reject for all of his life.

I'd rather be rejected by Zac Efron than pursued by Jesse McCartney's pit stains
By 2004, when Jesse's solo career was exploding, I was hiding behind my Nirvana albums, pretending like his whiny little ferret voice didn't sing the songs of my soul. Okay his vocals are not ferret-like, but his voice is pretty high pitched. I like it, though. I love it. I love him. I would hit it in a heartbeat even though I'm really not sexually attracted to him. I feel like we are soul mates because he's into beautiful souls, and mine is truly magnificent. He believes the beauty on the inside transcends the beauty on the outside, and I need a man like that in my life. So thoughtful, so caring. He would grow old with me and hold my hand and not look at me but look past me, beyond me and really see me. I, in part, have taken on his philosophy. I love Jesse for the beauty within.

the beauty within...
I have defended him through so much because he's actually talented (i'm serious). His Leonardo DiCaprio-like bloating, his indie-flick, Keith (WHICH IS ACTUALLY GOOD), even the time he forgot the words to the National Anthem. but then he goes and makes this stupid ass video for his latest single, "Shake," (which is a masterpiece removed from the offensive video) and disappoints me. That is some low budget shit right there. I've seen better student films come out of Emerson College (go..lions...right?). The song will, no doubt, be a hit because he's obviously good at writing them (hello Leavin.. Body Language... everything else ever in his back catalog), but the video.. stop. I would've liked it better if Jesse were one of the video vixens. God. what is wrong with music videos today? why can't we go back 10 years? Why am I so obsessed with Zac Efron??

You're not invincible yet, Jesse. A living legend? Yes. Of course. No question. but the world isn't ready for shadowed ladies to throw their panties at you. Not now. Not ever. Take it down a notch. Why am I still writing this post


  1. Girl, I am a well-known Jesse defender 'round these parts, but Keith was the worst movie OF ALL TIME.