Friday, December 10, 2010

pour some sugar on me (the real kind though)

I fucking love chocolate.

Whenever I get the sense that real feelings are bubbling just beneath the surface of my tear-ducts or fingernails, dangerously near eruption, I eat a piece of dark chocolate. It's the only thing that makes the pain go away for a little while. I eventually get more upset and consume the entire King Size bar through raging tears, but for 30 minutes or so, things are okay. Unlike successful dieters, I am not the type of person who can stop at "just a bite." I think this is a crazy and bullshit thing to tell people for the most part, because a forkful of chocolate cake isn't going to satisfy my sweet tooth; it's going to make me crave more cake. and I'm usually going to eat the cake because I have no sense of shame or impulse control.

pictured: impulse control
When I was about 10 years old, I would dream of a magical cheesecake which, the more you ate of it, the more weight you would lose. It was ten pounds per piece (I was a very lazy child. ha ha was...). It consumed my thoughts daily for a good few months. I'm surprised they haven't concocted something like it by now. Giant metal boxes can fly through the sky running solely on jet fuel/magic, but we have yet to develop an enchanted cheesecake that helps you lose weight?? What century are we in, again? Do I need to bake the tapeworms in there myself?

I also used to fantasize about a remote control that would let me go back in time, forward in time, pause things, etc. To my dismay, it never materialized and I was forced to face my mistakes and problems.

this might be why I hate Adam Sandler so much
At this time my dad used to bring cheesecakes home every few weeks from Veniero's bakery before they started sucking (he then switched to De Roberti's and eventually to no treats ever). I blame my sweet tooth on him. You may remember a photo I posted a few blog posts ago:

pictured: the problem and solution to all of life's problems
When I first saw this episode of the Simpsons, I wondered when they'd decided to use my dad as inspiration for Homer Simpson's character. but back to sugar and spice and liquor and lard aka everything that fills those giant voids.

I don't only eat or drink this stuff when I'm feeling bad, don't get me wrong. I mean, I love sweets because they taste good and sometimes you just want to throw a party for your taste buds. but when I say I love sweets, I don't mean "Yes, occasionally I enjoy half a square of Ghirardelli Peppermint Bark and a glass of Chianti Classico" NO I mean, "Give me that giant cookie from Uno's with ice cream and whipped cream on top and 4 shots of well-Tequila." (When did I start talking about liquor?) Whenever someone says, "Ugh this is way too sweet" or "Aghhh this drink is way too strong!!" I stare at them in disbelief and amazement: my mouth partially open, chocolate sauce and alcohol dribbling down the sides. How can anything be too sweet?? Can puppies be too sweet? No, they cannot. People can be, I mean no one is nice all the time without some ulterior motive. I can't trust people, but surely I can trust ice cream. How can anything that makes me feel good immediately and terrible later be too sweet or too alcoholic?? Answer: it can't.

pictured: me in 5 minutes
Who needs vegetables and fruit when I have sugar and lard and alcohol that I just started writing about for some reason but is totally appropriate anyway? This is America dammit. Bottoms up, losers.


  1. I always feel so childish when people complain something is "too sweet," because it's usually just sweet enough for me.

    Ondine demonstrates self-control so much better than the cat in your entry. She should really be a stock photo model for it.