Whenever I get the sense that real feelings are bubbling just beneath the surface of my tear-ducts or fingernails, dangerously near eruption, I eat a piece of dark chocolate. It's the only thing that makes the pain go away for a little while. I eventually get more upset and consume the entire King Size bar through raging tears, but for 30 minutes or so, things are okay. Unlike successful dieters, I am not the type of person who can stop at "just a bite." I think this is a crazy and bullshit thing to tell people for the most part, because a forkful of chocolate cake isn't going to satisfy my sweet tooth; it's going to make me crave more cake. and I'm usually going to eat the cake because I have no sense of shame or impulse control.
|pictured: impulse control|
I also used to fantasize about a remote control that would let me go back in time, forward in time, pause things, etc. To my dismay, it never materialized and I was forced to face my mistakes and problems.
|this might be why I hate Adam Sandler so much|
|pictured: the problem and solution to all of life's problems|
I don't only eat or drink this stuff when I'm feeling bad, don't get me wrong. I mean, I love sweets because they taste good and sometimes you just want to throw a party for your taste buds. but when I say I love sweets, I don't mean "Yes, occasionally I enjoy half a square of Ghirardelli Peppermint Bark and a glass of Chianti Classico" NO I mean, "Give me that giant cookie from Uno's with ice cream and whipped cream on top and 4 shots of well-Tequila." (When did I start talking about liquor?) Whenever someone says, "Ugh this is way too sweet" or "Aghhh this drink is way too strong!!" I stare at them in disbelief and amazement: my mouth partially open, chocolate sauce and alcohol dribbling down the sides. How can anything be too sweet?? Can puppies be too sweet? No, they cannot. People can be, I mean no one is nice all the time without some ulterior motive. I can't trust people, but surely I can trust ice cream. How can anything that makes me feel good immediately and terrible later be too sweet or too alcoholic?? Answer: it can't.
|pictured: me in 5 minutes|