Friday, December 17, 2010

this could be a sweet dream, or a beautiful nightmare

Can this be true? Tell me, can this be real? How can I put into words what I feel? Well, I can't, which is why I needed to start this post off with Nsync lyrics.

In case you've been living in an underground sewer fending off herds of mole people over the past week or so, it appears celebrities everywhere have traded in their Fiji water bottles for Break Up Before the Holidays water...bottles.... I don't think that made much sense, but I haven't been in school in 7 months cut me some slack.

It's not even the obvious couples like Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift (I mean really... what the fuck is that pairing). It's mostly couples I don't care about like Ryan Reynolds and Scarjo or David Thewlis and Anna Friel (not that I dislike them; I just always forget they were ever together in the first place aka zzzzzz).

but then something terrifying/magical happened: Hollywood's Latest Golden Couple (move over Brangelina... or actually don't since they're done I guess) called it quits. That's right ladies and other ladies reading this, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens said Bye Bye Bye to their 4 year relationship.

the fence in this photo signifies the emotional barrier that is probably what ultimately destroyed their relationship
It's one of those things that makes my inner 15 year old explode with optimism and hope, tears of joy brimming over a cup of never ending happiness. I'm finally free to imagine myself wooing Zac Efron and eventually producing children with him who possess all of his features and none of my own, creating the most stunning celebrity offspring known to man since Liv Tyler and Suri Cruise, where we would all exist in a Utopian Society - free from corruption, humidity and Bruno Mars. Unicorn tears would turn into gumdrops and caramels; the unicorns would always be crying from overwhelming joy and love. They would be that happy. because Zac will have resurrected them from past lives, but not in a creepy Harry-Potter-Resurrection-Stone way that would leave a thin veil of unhappiness between us and the unicorns forever. No, it would be pure and snowing, but not cold. also Zac and I would have lots of sex. Everything would just be so kick ass is what I'm saying.

but then my shame starts to seep in and I realize that Zac and Vanessa are actually people beyond their celeb status and they're probably pretty torn up about the break up, at least a little, and while I'd settle for being Zac's rebound girl (I've seriously thought this all through), it is kind of sad to see Zanessa Gone.

this is probably all Justin Timberlake's fault
The thought of Zac Efron with another girl who isn't me is unfathomable at this point because he's never been linked to anyone else in the 4 years he's been famous. I actually find the two of them to be a cute couple and the fact that they lasted so long without any scandal or separation really allowed me to believe that true love does exist (in Hollywood). I got used to them and was looking forward to either their potentially stunning or horrifyingly hideous children (who could know the outcome). but now that hope is lost.

Once my initial shock wore off, and my delusions of unicorn utopias faded into the recesses of my troubled mind, the panic started to sink in. I remembered how my plan was to get famous (somehow; plenty of people without talent are doing it, why not me) by the time they broke up and then swoop in with tissues and hair extensions, descending upon Zac Efron like a ravenous vulture. I thought I'd have a few more years before they ended things, but of course not, the universe is out to get me and make sure I never get my goddamn well deserved Disney Prince.

the photo proves he is every bit as heroic and charming as the media wants me to believe
Shortly after reality sunk in and I started to worry myself with my really creepy fantasies, curiosity got the better of me. What the fuck happened!? Who broke up with who? Was it really mutual? If I were Vanessa Hudgens I would throw all dignity out the window and cling to Zac Efron the way Madonna clings to her faded youth.  I mean, odds are pretty likely Vanessa Hudgens will never date someone as stunningly beautiful and flawless as Zac Efron ever again, unless she travels backwards in time and manages to bag Titanic-Era Leonardo DiCaprio (aka pre-bloat). and let's be real, Zac Efron will never date someone with hair as good as Vanessa's (unless he dates me).  It's a cruel world we live in where two gorgeous, seemingly nice human beings can't make it in a relationship in Hollywood. Maybe Zac wants to date someone whose level of talent matches his own. Maybe Vanessa wants to date someone.... else. The world may never know (though it probably will because the internet eventually exposes all).

I have to admit I'm impressed with how well they're publicly handling the break-up. Confirmation of the rumor, and that's it. It's probably because their love is so pure and all that shit. The timing just wasn't right; the relationship ran its course; Zac Efron realized I'm here waiting, etc.

I know there are plenty of people out there judging me for thinking these thoughts because it's like who cares! celebrities are just people! I'm so cool and unaffected! I don't even own a television what's the internet!! but whatever I am the first person to admit I am not above celebrity gossip (have you read my blog?). and I will never be above Zefron related gossip, news, movies or music.

because dammit Zac Efron, God really did spend a little more time on you.


  1. These photos and captions alone are hilarious. I love this post. Can't wait to be the Maid of Honor at the Zali wedding!

  2. omg it's eerriinn and i just found this and it could not be more amazing

  3. this post was everything i dreamed of (not surprised), especially "the fence in this photo signifies the emotional barrier that is probably what ultimately destroyed their relationship" and "Maybe Zac wants to date someone whose level of talent matches his own. Maybe Vanessa wants to date someone.... else."