Tuesday, January 18, 2011

making something out of nothing

You know that feeling when you eat your last Swedish Fish and you don't even realize it? You reach back into the bag only to find zero candy left, when you thought there were at least ten. Instant regret and shame washes over you - you didn't have time to savor the medicinal-cherry flavor or the gummy, scaly texture. You want more, but all the stores are closed and also you're very lazy and judging by the cool draft coming from your window it's too cold to walk more than .5 blocks for another King Size bag, considering the one you just finished lasted less than 24 hours. Remorse, guilt, emptiness, loss and lethargy are the instant results from your greed.

my idea of paradise
Then you realize this is what your life has come to. Last summer, the world was your oyster, this city was your dream-vehicle, your destination driver, your Future-enabler, insert better metaphor here. You were supposed to get out 'there' (vague on purpose because 'there'  could be anywhere!) and do 'it' (also known as 'achieving your dreams'). You quickly realized that you didn't have any dreams, and also that you'd screwed yourself over significantly while in college because you didn't really do anything. At all.

While your friends were busy finding internships, jobs, extracurricular activities, etc. you were busy watching hours of Criminal Minds on your computer or stuffing your face with macarons until you started choking on your own saliva. You also did a lot of retail therapy and crying. You spent your last year of college making sure you were as unprepared as humanly possible once the real world came knocking at your door.  Somewhere in the distant recesses of your mind you knew it was a bad idea to leave everything until after college, but you made excuses for yourself like "I'm going to do open-mics when I get back and become famous who needs a clear life-path" or "I'm going to be famous somehow using the internet even though I have no particular skills or talents" or "I'm going to start a blog!"

It became a growing concern after a while, but instead of facing the problem you decided to ignore it away with cookies and shopping. You slowly devolved into a lesser version of yourself, only leaving your apartment to go to class or scope out local shops to find out their peak hours of floor traffic, in order to avoid as many people as possible. After months of sloth-like behaviors and smells, you decided to be productive by waking up at 730am and going to the gym since fewer people would be there, torturing themselves, at 8am and go straight to class afterward. This stopped after a few weeks.

pictured: overachiever
You complained about college, missed New York City and 24 hour everything, and wanted to get away and get started on Real Life.  But then you slowly realized that Real Life probably should've been prefaced with some sort of interest in your so called future, where you made an attempt to you know, do something with your life before it was too late. Now you're stuck in retail making 200 dollars a month (but in case anyone sees this you love your job and coworkers!!). You don't have the drive, the independence, the goals or the references. You have nothing.

But sometimes you have to make something out of nothing. I've had less than nothing to write about these past few days because it just hit me that I've been doing less than nothing since my junior year of college. That's when the world came to a slow and I decided against moving it forward.  Because it's easier to do nothing when you're scared. but am I really still throwing myself pity parties? This is America -- How many other places even have king sized bags of Swedish Fish?

It's time to wake up. To wake up and realize that alcohol as a social lubricant is not always going to be readily available to me. I'm not famous enough for that yet. and I'll never get there if I keep wallowing in self-pity.