Sunday, May 22, 2011

if you're reading this, you've never said any of these things to me. probably

You know what will singlehandedly send me into a tizzy of fury and runny mascara? The backhanded compliment.

is this the real life is this just fantasy

Over the years I've made friends with plenty of people who don't know how to end a compliment before it veers off into tear inducing territory. The smile that goes along with the backhanded compliment is pertinent to a successful delivery.  It confuses the victim into accepting the statement made, forcing her to mull it over in deep thought for hours/days/months/until death.

Here are 4 of my all time personal favorites:

1) "Your nose is really big but it goes well with your features."

When I was 14 (and also before and after that time) I was very down on my appearance, mostly because I was fucking ugly. For some forgotten reason, however, I always liked my nose.  It seemed to fit on my face well, didn't take up too much space and wasn't crooked or hairy like the rest of me.  Then I met someone in 9th grade who introduced me to the atrocity that had been my nose all along.  Rather than not say anything at all, she made known her observation that my nose was equivalent to the sun, as my features were merely orbiting around its giant-ness.

me circa 2002
Trying to disguise this insult with the clause of "it goes well with your features" is bullshit to infinity and beyond. Everyone knows what that means. It means god created rhinoplasty for a reason, and that you are that reason.

2) "You cut your hair!!!!! Don't worry it'll grow back"

I love my hair, but I recently chopped most of it off in a fit of compulsion and sweat. I'd been toying with the idea of cutting my hair short for 3 years and finally decided to do it because hair grows. When my mother was in her 20s she did the same thing and she said it gave her the confidence she needed to be an adult or whatever, I don't know. Anyway, the cut came out pretty well, and it didn't even bother me that hardly anyone noticed.

Until one of the few people who did notice quickly assured me that my long locks would be back in no time.

I'm so sorry, Felicity. I understand now
I was not previously worried, but sure.

3) "You're so lucky you don't get hit on as often as I do."

Beautiful people have it the hardest, don't they? They're helped first, hired first, given things, Jon Hamm. I'm sure it's incredibly tiring to have people focus and comment on their appearance so much. How annoying to not have to try so hard to get someone's attention. I can't even imagine a life where customers from work don't refer to me as the chubby brunette.

who needs beauty when you have a blog
I'm mostly kidding, I know plenty of attractive people who are also not shitty, but really, what is this comment trying to tell me? I'm lucky no one ever does a double take when I walk down the street? This is only favorable when I'm throwing up on sidewalks or falling down stairs. Is it supposed to be great that I typically don't even get as far as rejection because the disinterest is so apparent? That in college I spent more time in the dining hall than a stranger's dorm room?? I may not have crazy stories to tell, but I sure did write some lame poems last year.

4) "Blogs are stupid and pathetic. Yours is funny though!"

You're so vain you probably think this post is about you.  That's because it is.