Tuesday, May 15, 2012

show me the meaning of being lonely

I wasn't going to post this because it's actually a less entertaining read than I was hoping for but that's what happens when you are drunk and blog but I promised I'd post it so here you go Michael; you've been warned. Two nights ago I went to a wedding where I suffered through the awkward pain of knowing only 3 people there - all of whom were in the fucking bridal party aka busy for the first hour and a half of the wedding. This meant literal hours of solitude and regret and drinking. I decided to live blog because it was less painful than sitting at a table and doing even less. This.. is my story.

I am off to a great start. 20 minutes late to the wedding, just in time to catch the tail end of the ceremony. Thinking the wedding was at 9pm instead of the actual 7pm might be the stupidest thought I have ever had. Then again I used to wonder what year colors were invented so I'm probably just an all around dumbass. I lingered around the patio conversing with no one for a good twenty minutes before deciding to head inside and stand around a table for another ten minutes until finally sitting the fuck down and whipping out my phone to take down my pathetic thoughts. You're welcome, no one.

Whoever thought up the concept of waiters going around the room forcing appetizers on guests needs to be buried alive. There are only so many cheeseburger sliders I can eat while sitting alone at a table meant for five before my total loserdom becomes obvious to the entire room. Okay great I was not appropriately warned about the temperature of the mini baby back ribs until after the skin on my thumb and forefinger was nearly singed off. I yelled a very elegant 'son of a bitch' while making some truly awkward eye contact with my waiter, who didn't even offer me a damn napkin. I then proceeded to drop the thing onto my pathetic table for five (currently and forever seating only one). The waiter said, "oh...careful... it's hot..." AFTER witnessing this embarrassing display. No shit it's hot, I literally need some cream for this burn you asshole. I would also like a NAPKIN to wipe off the barbecue sauce that's now on this table but that's fine I'll leave my shame out on display instead.

This is not getting better I am actually eating my feelings. Seriously, I have been offered food at least four times by the same person in the last 15 minutes. This is a different waiter from before. I christen that guy BBQ and he can suck my dick.  Anyway, I realize Nice Waitress is only doing her job but at this point it's probably just easier for her to offer food to the singular Lonely person in the room (aka me) since she knows it's too awkward for me to decline, as opposed to how much easier it is for a group of 5 to pretend like they don't notice her. I work retail; I've been there. Maybe she feels bad for me because I'm sitting at a table by myself drinking an Old Fashioned while socializing with Instagram because I know literally 3 people at this wedding and all of them are in the wedding party. This means I am left to my own devices for apparently the first hour and a half of the wedding.

P.S. I am not 1950s enough to appreciate Old Fashioneds but free alcohol is free so suck on that Don Draper. Jon Hamm looks best as a Mad Man because his hair is stupid and I'm drunk.

this is disgusting
Really though, why don't they teach a class on Awkward Social Gatherings in high school? I have never felt less uncouth than when I was just scarfing down mini fish and chips followed by a champagne chaser that I FOUND on a table because I have no social graces and failed to realize the champagne is actually not a Free For All but meant for the toasts yet to come. Cool I guess I'm the token alcoholic at this party now, with five empty glasses littering my table. The only water around is the water with candles in it and I think I might die if I drink that. So what I'm thinking is I should drink it

Oh god people have moved to the area where I am currently seated. I thought I was safe from congregation but apparently I am not. This is actually worse than being skinned alive. There is no sweet relief of death. There are only awkward stares, averted eyes; people can see me.

one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
Oh god someone literally just asked the worst question in the world: IS ANYONE USING THESE CHAIRS?? CHAIRS... PLURAL... ashamedly fucking no one is using the goddamn chairs so take them and use them for your party of 12 you popular jackass. I do not understand the Serena Van Der Woodsens of this world. I am more of a Dan Humphrey but minus the terrible qualities so what I'm trying to say is I don't actually identify with any of the Gossip Girl characters because I'm not a shitty teenager with lots of money. Basically I can't just talk to strangers especially when all the strangers are already immersed in conversation with other strangers. The fuck am I supposed to do? Run up to their group of 3 and inject myself into their conversation about wild birds or whatever the fuck it is people talk about at weddings?

I'm really praying the photographer here is getting some great shots of me sitting alone at this table, typing away on my phone. I have a feeling the people here think I just crashed the wedding and am in it for the free booze. Which isn't entirely untrue if you think about the fact that i was never officially invited (I know the lovely bride but I'm a +1 of the bridesmaid), but I never thought I'd be suffering so much just for leeching. Dear karma I have checked myself and after all this liquor I have certainly wrecked myself so kudos to you for showing me the way. I am the drunkest person at this wedding  

At this point (1.5 hours later) my friend finally joined me at my table and I was able to drink without feeling as pathetic. Highlights for the rest of the night include: taking 7 dessert boxes when most people took none (see photo below), texting my co-worker about my love for One Direction, falling down on the street (resulting in a large and painful bruise on my knee) and puking in my friend's hotel shower later that night (the more you know, Jeannie). But I didn't cry! I am a beacon of success

I found 3 more of these boxes in my bag later