I am off to a great start. 20 minutes late to the wedding, just in time to catch the tail end of the ceremony. Thinking the wedding was at 9pm instead of the actual 7pm might be the stupidest thought I have ever had. Then again I used to wonder what year colors were invented so I'm probably just an all around dumbass. I lingered around the patio conversing with no one for a good twenty minutes before deciding to head inside and stand around a table for another ten minutes until finally sitting the fuck down and whipping out my phone to take down my pathetic thoughts. You're welcome, no one.
Whoever thought up the concept of waiters going around the room forcing appetizers on guests needs to be buried alive. There are only so many cheeseburger sliders I can eat while sitting alone at a table meant for five before my total loserdom becomes obvious to the entire room. Okay great I was not appropriately warned about the temperature of the mini baby back ribs until after the skin on my thumb and forefinger was nearly singed off. I yelled a very elegant 'son of a bitch' while making some truly awkward eye contact with my waiter, who didn't even offer me a damn napkin. I then proceeded to drop the thing onto my pathetic table for five (currently and forever seating only one). The waiter said, "oh...careful... it's hot..." AFTER witnessing this embarrassing display. No shit it's hot, I literally need some cream for this burn you asshole. I would also like a NAPKIN to wipe off the barbecue sauce that's now on this table but that's fine I'll leave my shame out on display instead.
This is not getting better I am actually eating my feelings. Seriously, I have been offered food at least four times by the same person in the last 15 minutes. This is a different waiter from before. I christen that guy BBQ and he can suck my dick. Anyway, I realize Nice Waitress is only doing her job but at this point it's probably just easier for her to offer food to the singular Lonely person in the room (aka me) since she knows it's too awkward for me to decline, as opposed to how much easier it is for a group of 5 to pretend like they don't notice her. I work retail; I've been there. Maybe she feels bad for me because I'm sitting at a table by myself drinking an Old Fashioned while socializing with Instagram because I know literally 3 people at this wedding and all of them are in the wedding party. This means I am left to my own devices for apparently the first hour and a half of the wedding.
P.S. I am not 1950s enough to appreciate Old Fashioneds but free alcohol is free so suck on that Don Draper. Jon Hamm looks best as a Mad Man because his hair is stupid and I'm drunk.
|this is disgusting|
Oh god people have moved to the area where I am currently seated. I thought I was safe from congregation but apparently I am not. This is actually worse than being skinned alive. There is no sweet relief of death. There are only awkward stares, averted eyes; people can see me.
|one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do|
I'm really praying the photographer here is getting some great shots of me sitting alone at this table, typing away on my phone. I have a feeling the people here think I just crashed the wedding and am in it for the free booze. Which isn't entirely untrue if you think about the fact that i was never officially invited (I know the lovely bride but I'm a +1 of the bridesmaid), but I never thought I'd be suffering so much just for leeching. Dear karma I have checked myself and after all this liquor I have certainly wrecked myself so kudos to you for showing me the way. I am the drunkest person at this wedding
At this point (1.5 hours later) my friend finally joined me at my table and I was able to drink without feeling as pathetic. Highlights for the rest of the night include: taking 7 dessert boxes when most people took none (see photo below), texting my co-worker about my love for One Direction, falling down on the street (resulting in a large and painful bruise on my knee) and puking in my friend's hotel shower later that night (the more you know, Jeannie). But I didn't cry! I am a beacon of success
|I found 3 more of these boxes in my bag later|