And since I don't know how to talk about it or write about it without a geyser of anguish gushing down my face, I'll lay it out in the simplest terms.
We had to put one of our cats, Suzie, down today. She'd been losing weight and getting weird over the past two weeks, so when we finally brought her in we got the worst diagnosis possible: inoperable cancer. So she's gone and even though I've now lost six pets over the course of my 23 years this one hit me the hardest. I don't know what it is about aging but the older I get the more difficult it is for me to deal with loss. I'm dazed and I'm confused and I'm hurt and I don't want to deal with this. Not now; not ever.
Suzie has never been my biggest fan, but over the years she (at the very least) grew to tolerate me because I was obsessed with her as I am with all cats. She took to sleeping on my Zac Efron pillow right by my heater a few months ago because she has great taste in human men and was probably cold. She stopped hissing at me and rubbed up against my legs a few times. I guess her tiny heart finally grew a few sizes and she was able to squeeze me in there. Maybe she sensed the end was coming; animals always do. Whatever it was I guess it's over now.
Maybe it's immature and strange to feel so much sadness over the death of an animal but... why? Forgive me, this is all so cliche, but no animal has ever made me feel like a worthless piece of shit the way some people have. No animal has ever made me feel like I was too fat or too stupid or too anything to be loved. If you're good to them, they're good to you, and that's the way it should be always and forever world without end. So I'm not sorry if I'm a lot sad for losing someone who never deserved to suffer; I'm not sorry that I'm not ready for this kind of loss.
The only thing I'm sorry for is bringing so much sadness to my blog. To add a little levity to this post, here's a link to my second blog entry ever, aptly titled "Suzie."
I miss you and I love you and I forgive you for ruining so much of my stuff. It's alright. They were just things.