Monday, June 11, 2012

i've tried playin it cool but i'm too old and creepy

NOTE: This blog post was written about 1.5 hours after I'd taken some powerful, prescription sleeping pills (I haven't been sleeping well lately). Please try your hardest not to judge me; though no one will ever judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

farewell to my dignity
Do you remember Nsync and Backstreet Boys? I remember them. I am reliving that entire aspect of my childhood life, but this time it's weirder and more intense because the Internet exists and Twitter encourages obsession and everything is out of control.

I am however grateful that Kanye West's twitter exists
 
If you haven't heard of One Direction, the UK boy band currently in the process of dominating the universe and my heart, you probably live under the heaviest rock in the Ozarks or do not ever talk to me, because they are everywhere and I am engrossed in their every movement.  If you know anything about me it's that I am a sucker for catchy pop music and cute boys. People are often embarrassed to admit they like Starships by Nicki Minaj or Part of Me by Katy Perry or that they used a friend's little sister to meet One Direction at a New York City signing recently (o yes more on that later), but I am missing the self-awareness required to act similarly ashamed of the garbage I am drawn to.

I will never be cool

When I was 14 I listened to Nirvana and The Beatles and all those other bands that give you cool points. I listened to it then and I swear I listen to it now still earnestly. but at this point in my life all I want is a cute boyband that makes me feel as old and feeble as Dumbledore in the sixth Harry Potter book. You know, right after he drinks that potion in order to get one of the Horcruxes out of that cave that would only accept blood as an offering to open up.  If Niall attended Hogwarts he would be in Hufflepuff.

Neville is that you
They're all just so fun and charming! I'm going to be real with you, boys are not as charming now, at 23, as Harry Styles somehow manages to be at 18. And I try to pretend like I don't think he's adorable because I'm so old. But he is and it is sooo embarrasssiiiiing, be still my arthritic hands and aching back.

Just to let you all know how far gone I am regarding this stupid boyband - well, the least embarrassing thing I can admit to is spending hours on end watching every single interview they've ever given. If you can find and post an interview I have not watched I will pay for One Direction to play your child's birthday party, provided your child is me. The most embarrassing thing I am willing to admit is using my friend's little sister as an excuse to go to their album signing when they were here in NYC. I have actually done much worse but these sleeping pills aren't strong enough to let me delve that far into my shame so you only get the one story. For now.

If only I were pathetic in the endearing way like Zac Efron
I have never felt so old, so out of place or so out of touch with reality as I did the moment I stepped through the doors to J&R music world. My friend instantly went apeshit upon sight of Harry Styles' perfectly disheveled mess of curls, and nearly knocked her little sister to the ground in an attempt to get some far away shots of the group before we got to the table. Luckily for her we had plenty of time to wait and watch. 

We got to the venue as soon as the signing was supposed to start which was apparently a huge mistake, as there were about 78 million people already in line (rough estimate). Some people waited there overnight.  Do you honestly think Louis is going to accept your Ring Pop proposal when you've been sleeping in the street for 24 hours just to meet them first when entrance was guaranteed anyway??? They know how long you waited. They are judging you even if they refuse to admit it. I am not judging you though because I am probably more batshit than anyone I could even begin to judge.

same
We had to wait 4 hours to go down a table where the group barely had time to look up from the thousands of album covers they were signing and regretting because that photo is ugly.

Oh, but then I came along and they did look up. I am twelve thousand percent positive I attracted attention because I was the only one towering over their shitty fold out table. I was also one of the few around me who wasn't screaming because of my withered old vocal cords. Also they probably thought I was a mom. More importantly why did I spend 4 hours of my life waiting to meet a group of teenagers? Why am I writing about it now? What is wrong with me?

everyone else in the room can see it
As soon as I gazed into the beautiful green eyes of Harry Styles, I was a goner. Actually, my filter was a goner because apparently I don't understand any setting other than 'crass' when my mind goes blank. Rather than say something like "What Makes You Beautiful is an iconic pop hit" or whatever fans say that isn't 'marry me' I said "jesus christ, how do you deal with this shit everyday?" sounding like the old, bitter Brontosaurus that I am. He smiled that smartass grin of his and was about to part those Mick Jagger-esque lips to respond at a glacial pace when Louis had the gall to cut him off and respond with a sassy quip, "Well I like carrots SO..." and then he proceeded to roll his eyes in such an exaggerated fashion that I was pretty sure he could see his own brain matter back there.

 
we possess the same level of maturity

Then I was literally shoved down the table by some security guard who was clearly not used to dealing with a girl in her early 20s at these signings, where the median age was somewhere between embryo and fetus. After telling him to never put his hands on me again, I looked back to the table, having bypassed Liam entirely because Zayn was right next to him.

They really should ward off a section of the signings where Zayn has his own booth made out of Swarovski crystals and 14 karat gold and his 21+ fans get glasses of Cristal and Veuve Cliqcuot or shitty Tequila, I'm not picky. But since he's rich it should at least be Patron. Since there are only seven One Direction fans of legal drinking age in the US I could probably have a few bottles to myself while Zayn sits on his throne drinking apple juice or shirley temples.

cuz your friends
they look good
but you look better
Sidenote: in case you've never read my blog or encountered me as a human being or even seen a photo of me, you might have no idea that I'm the unluckiest lady when it comes to matters of the heart. Even at the age of 23 I can't seem to get my shit together and talk to a guy I'm interested in unless there are at least 12 shots of liquor in me first. I was approached by a decent enough guy at a bar a few weeks ago and didn't know whether I was being tricked so I ignored him. So I'm bad with guys. In short: the idea of looking at someone as stunning as Zayn Malik was overwhelming because I can't even talk to a guy who's as basic as a beige carpet. The idea of speaking to him made me want to set myself on fire in a garbage room. I probably should've done a few shots beforehand.

But back to life back to reality. As soon as I honed in on Zayn's blessed quiff, there was no one else present. Liam who?? Niall who?? Paul their terrifying bodyguard who?? I felt so blessed to be able to watch the gloss of his hair shine over us plebeians as he stared down upon the endless CD booklets in front of him and signed them, barely looking up at anyone ever. Those 3 seconds of beauty made the 4 hour wait worth it, lack of eye contact and all. His beauty is unwavering. and it gets more and more alright for me to be attracted to him by the day. Someday he will be 21 and by then our age difference will just be a number I refuse to acknowledge.


Just as I was getting ready to move on to Niall, I guess, Zayn looked straight up at me and right before my palms started dripping barrels of sweat onto the floor he spoke to me.

Everyone is subject to preconceptions. Excuse me for thinking someone whose beauty is matched only by his own reflection would be kind of a dick, or at least shy and unresponsive. When Molly and I were talking about this in line we decided we'd rather have no interaction with Zayn as his beauty was too intimidating. Based on his sometimes overwhelming reticence and his propensity to eat while he sleeps he seemed to be the least likely to give a tenth of a fuck and make painful small talk with irritating fans.

mfeo

In the right place at the right time with just the right amount of hairspray, Zayn looked up at me, smiled, said, "Hey babe! How are you? You alright?" and with that the sky parted and a light shone down upon me. I replied with a really sexy and enticing blank stare followed by an, "I'm ok." He went on to stare at me and said, "I love your hair, babe. It's very rock n roll." At this point I tried not to throw up in my hands until I realized he was waiting for a response. Naturally I responded with the stupidest shit I could think of, "Thank you! I like......your......ummm....eyes.....?" I literally searched his face for something specific to name. I couldn't say "I like your album" or "You have great hair too." No, I had to scan his face and eventually went with the most obvious choice: eyes. Everyone uses eyes as a compliment. I tell my cat he has beautiful eyes every day, because he does:

he is a very handsome cat
None of this probably sounds too bad until you take into account I have the vocal expression of Daria on Lunesta. Probably the facial expression too. In other words I probably sounded like the most insincere, sarcastic little shit, especially compared to the legions of happy, nice 12 year olds they'd met throughout the day. I was clearly too old and too into it to feign disinterest so I just came off sounding like a total dick.

Suddenly, there were toxic amounts of secondhand embarrassment radiating off everyone within a 30 foot perimeter of me. The embarrassment probably showed on my face when I actually said, still talking to Zayn who was for some unfortunate reason on his part still looking at me, "Oh that was embarrassing, sorry, don't know why I said that... I'm not 16 years old so.." and he winked at me and laughed as I was being pushed down the line by security and girls. Niall looked up at me and smiled and I waved and said 'bye' because nothing was going to top a forced compliment from the most beautiful person I will ever meet.

Here, this stunning King of Vanity complimented my hair with no prompting. I almost asked if by 'rock n roll' he actually meant 'dirty.' Instead, I made an ass out of myself and actually cared because I will always be a 13 year old girl at heart. This is officially the most embarrassing blog post I have ever written in my entire life so I'm going to go play in traffic.

I know you are all reacting to this blog post the same way Liam is

8 comments:

  1. i don't even think there's anything for me to say about these jerks to you that i haven't said before but i just need to make it known that my love for them and the chest pains that come with that love are only getting worse and not better and i am going to die from it and when i do i hope someone throws my ashes in harry's face

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    1. maybe my favorite comment in the history of time

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  2. I should write a (albeit short) guest post about when I saw Niall on the street. If only because the only emotion that manifested at the time was anger yet now my life has been ruined.

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  3. lololol the most perfect post, i am so jealous and ilu.

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  4. i have actually never heard a one direction song and that is THAT

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  5. holy shit i am so jealous of you.

    ps hope it's not weird that i'm creeping on you after not talking for so long!

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    1. not weird at all! creep as much as you want!

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  6. Oh my God LOL this post has made my day

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