|farewell to my dignity|
|I am however grateful that Kanye West's twitter exists|
|I will never be cool|
When I was 14 I listened to Nirvana and The Beatles and all those other bands that give you cool points. I listened to it then and I swear I listen to it now still earnestly. but at this point in my life all I want is a cute boyband that makes me feel as old and feeble as Dumbledore in the sixth Harry Potter book. You know, right after he drinks that potion in order to get one of the Horcruxes out of that cave that would only accept blood as an offering to open up. If Niall attended Hogwarts he would be in Hufflepuff.
|Neville is that you|
Just to let you all know how far gone I am regarding this stupid boyband - well, the least embarrassing thing I can admit to is spending hours on end watching every single interview they've ever given. If you can find and post an interview I have not watched I will pay for One Direction to play your child's birthday party, provided your child is me. The most embarrassing thing I am willing to admit is using my friend's little sister as an excuse to go to their album signing when they were here in NYC. I have actually done much worse but these sleeping pills aren't strong enough to let me delve that far into my shame so you only get the one story. For now.
|If only I were pathetic in the endearing way like Zac Efron|
We got to the venue as soon as the signing was supposed to start which was apparently a huge mistake, as there were about 78 million people already in line (rough estimate). Some people waited there overnight. Do you honestly think Louis is going to accept your Ring Pop proposal when you've been sleeping in the street for 24 hours just to meet them first when entrance was guaranteed anyway??? They know how long you waited. They are judging you even if they refuse to admit it. I am not judging you though because I am probably more batshit than anyone I could even begin to judge.
Oh, but then I came along and they did look up. I am twelve thousand percent positive I attracted attention because I was the only one towering over their shitty fold out table. I was also one of the few around me who wasn't screaming because of my withered old vocal cords. Also they probably thought I was a mom. More importantly why did I spend 4 hours of my life waiting to meet a group of teenagers? Why am I writing about it now? What is wrong with me?
|everyone else in the room can see it|
we possess the same level of maturity
Then I was literally shoved down the table by some security guard who was clearly not used to dealing with a girl in her early 20s at these signings, where the median age was somewhere between embryo and fetus. After telling him to never put his hands on me again, I looked back to the table, having bypassed Liam entirely because Zayn was right next to him.
They really should ward off a section of the signings where Zayn has his own booth made out of Swarovski crystals and 14 karat gold and his 21+ fans get glasses of Cristal and Veuve Cliqcuot or shitty Tequila, I'm not picky. But since he's rich it should at least be Patron. Since there are only seven One Direction fans of legal drinking age in the US I could probably have a few bottles to myself while Zayn sits on his throne drinking apple juice or shirley temples.
|cuz your friends|
they look good
but you look better
But back to life back to reality. As soon as I honed in on Zayn's blessed quiff, there was no one else present. Liam who?? Niall who?? Paul their terrifying bodyguard who?? I felt so blessed to be able to watch the gloss of his hair shine over us plebeians as he stared down upon the endless CD booklets in front of him and signed them, barely looking up at anyone ever. Those 3 seconds of beauty made the 4 hour wait worth it, lack of eye contact and all. His beauty is unwavering. and it gets more and more alright for me to be attracted to him by the day. Someday he will be 21 and by then our age difference will just be a number I refuse to acknowledge.
Just as I was getting ready to move on to Niall, I guess, Zayn looked straight up at me and right before my palms started dripping barrels of sweat onto the floor he spoke to me.
Everyone is subject to preconceptions. Excuse me for thinking someone whose beauty is matched only by his own reflection would be kind of a dick, or at least shy and unresponsive. When Molly and I were talking about this in line we decided we'd rather have no interaction with Zayn as his beauty was too intimidating. Based on his sometimes overwhelming reticence and his propensity to eat while he sleeps he seemed to be the least likely to give a tenth of a fuck and make painful small talk with irritating fans.
In the right place at the right time with just the right amount of hairspray, Zayn looked up at me, smiled, said, "Hey babe! How are you? You alright?" and with that the sky parted and a light shone down upon me. I replied with a really sexy and enticing blank stare followed by an, "I'm ok." He went on to stare at me and said, "I love your hair, babe. It's very rock n roll." At this point I tried not to throw up in my hands until I realized he was waiting for a response. Naturally I responded with the stupidest shit I could think of, "Thank you! I like......your......ummm....
|he is a very handsome cat|
Suddenly, there were toxic amounts of secondhand embarrassment radiating off everyone within a 30 foot perimeter of me. The embarrassment probably showed on my face when I actually said, still talking to Zayn who was for some unfortunate reason on his part still looking at me, "Oh that was embarrassing, sorry, don't know why I said that... I'm not 16 years old so.." and he winked at me and laughed as I was being pushed down the line by security and girls. Niall looked up at me and smiled and I waved and said 'bye' because nothing was going to top a forced compliment from the most beautiful person I will ever meet.
Here, this stunning King of Vanity complimented my hair with no prompting. I almost asked if by 'rock n roll' he actually meant 'dirty.' Instead, I made an ass out of myself and actually cared because I will always be a 13 year old girl at heart. This is officially the most embarrassing blog post I have ever written in my entire life so I'm going to go play in traffic.
|I know you are all reacting to this blog post the same way Liam is|